Random Thoughts

The appointment with the new (temporary) doctor is this morning, and there is so much going on in my noggin that I am currently incapable of writing a coherent post. So I give you, bullet points:

• I almost pulled out my favorite cardigan to wear this morning, and then had a flash of my sad and lonely plum colored, ruffle shirt. I wore my (then) favorite ruffled shirt as well as a necklace that used to belong to my husband's grandmother when we went to have that fateful ultrasound last November. I've never worn it since. So instead of my favorite cardigan I am wearing a sweater I might not even really like. If it's bad news today and that sweater hits the Goodwill bag, I won't miss it.
• The bitchy ultrasound tech who told me we had lost our baby last year? She was pregnant. I don't know why I focus on that.
• I am wavering between paralyzing fear and some very zen moments. I have a feeling that either way I am going to need a long nap this afternoon after all that wavering.
• My very smart therapist taught me that, when I am in the grips of an extremely frightening "what if" scenario in my head, I should just walk all the way through it. As in - if I have fibroids, I probably won't even get the news today, there will be testing, there will be options, I'll have some sort of procedure to remove them, and then maybe all the muck will be gone so we can actually get pregnant. So really, most of the news the doctor can deliver today, I've already heard!
• Because of my aforementioned amazingly awful health insurance, I can't so much as look in the direction of a doctor that has anything to do with fertility (or rather, lack thereof). So I am trying to be grateful that I have something to go to a doctor for that isn't directly linked to infertility. So maybe, maybe (can you feel the zen?) this is a blessing in disguise.
• The woman who called me to remind me of my appointment yesterday had the same name as my Grandma. I am taking that as a good sign.

And with that, my crazy thoughts and I are off. Hopefully I haven't eaten all my fingernails by the time I get there.