Random Thoughts

The appointment with the new (temporary) doctor is this morning, and there is so much going on in my noggin that I am currently incapable of writing a coherent post. So I give you, bullet points:

• I almost pulled out my favorite cardigan to wear this morning, and then had a flash of my sad and lonely plum colored, ruffle shirt. I wore my (then) favorite ruffled shirt as well as a necklace that used to belong to my husband's grandmother when we went to have that fateful ultrasound last November. I've never worn it since. So instead of my favorite cardigan I am wearing a sweater I might not even really like. If it's bad news today and that sweater hits the Goodwill bag, I won't miss it.
• The bitchy ultrasound tech who told me we had lost our baby last year? She was pregnant. I don't know why I focus on that.
• I am wavering between paralyzing fear and some very zen moments. I have a feeling that either way I am going to need a long nap this afternoon after all that wavering.
• My very smart therapist taught me that, when I am in the grips of an extremely frightening "what if" scenario in my head, I should just walk all the way through it. As in - if I have fibroids, I probably won't even get the news today, there will be testing, there will be options, I'll have some sort of procedure to remove them, and then maybe all the muck will be gone so we can actually get pregnant. So really, most of the news the doctor can deliver today, I've already heard!
• Because of my aforementioned amazingly awful health insurance, I can't so much as look in the direction of a doctor that has anything to do with fertility (or rather, lack thereof). So I am trying to be grateful that I have something to go to a doctor for that isn't directly linked to infertility. So maybe, maybe (can you feel the zen?) this is a blessing in disguise.
• The woman who called me to remind me of my appointment yesterday had the same name as my Grandma. I am taking that as a good sign.

And with that, my crazy thoughts and I are off. Hopefully I haven't eaten all my fingernails by the time I get there.

Because I am an Moron

So, the cramping pain situation hasn't gotten any better, except that now there is some spotting involved. Because what is some cramping without a little spotting thrown into the mix? I mean, I am already worried enough about the cramping. Let's make it a party!

My parents are visiting this week, so I haven't had a lot of time to myself. And in general I require a substantial amount of "down time," especially when I am stressed. I've also been keeping a full blown freak-out at bay, so I have been in one of those just-keep-my-head-down-and-keep-moving modes. But I knew enough to know that going with them to babysit my adorable niece and nephew today was not in my best interest. I love those kids to pieces, but sometimes it's like they're wearing flashing neon signs over their heads that say "I am the closest you'll ever get to a baby!"

I took the day off work, and the husband and I were going to go do something fun and relaxing, just the two of us. Except I woke up with more cramping, and I am overly tired and I think my hormones are out of whack, which was basically the infertile equivalent of a perfect storm. The husband and I couldn't decide what to do, mainly because I am a pitiful mess. So we decide I should just go get in the shower to get things rolling...and what should happen during my first few quiet moments to myself all week? Ah yes, there's the meltdown we've all been waiting for! It was a fall down on my knees while simultaneously shaking my fists at the sky and snotting all over myself type of morning.

Eventually I compose myself and we decide to indulge in three of our favorite things - good pizza, a used bookstore and a movie. Perfect! But then, in my belly full of pizza and bag 'o used books happiness, guess what movie I picked? Life as We Know It (see: title of this post). I honestly have no idea what I was thinking, but it was a good thing we opted for the matinee so that there were only two other people in the theater to listen to my audible sobbing. Seriously...MORON.

The good news is, my sister-in-law (who knows the gist of our fertility problems) sent my parents home with homemade peanut butter & chocolate chip cookies. So at least there's that.

In Which I Freak Out

So the first cycle that we're off the bench and back from the self-imposed break, of course something happens. Of course it does. I had horrible cramping and just general discomfort in addition to all the loveliness that happens at the beginning of a new cycle. But I kept thinking - okay, bring it on, this could be the start of a great cycle. And then the cramping just kept going, and going, and going. I am now on CD11 and even though the "other stuff" has stopped, I am still feeling crampy and just general pressure in the center of my lower abdomen.

Since we just moved we're staying at my parents vacation house in the middle of nowhere, and so of course I don't have a doctor here. I didn't intend to find one until we found a house and settled down in a much larger city. I had been avoiding google like the plague, because I know looking up my symptoms will do nothing but add to my panic. But a glass of wine of Friday night meant that I went for it, and of course found nothing but horribly scary stuff. The diagnosis that matched my symptoms most accurately was uterine fibroids.

My Mom is a nurse so I bring this up with her the next day, and she says "that is what I had." Now - I knew that she had a hysterectomy after having me, but I thought that was some complication from childbirth and I knew she was done having kids at that point. I didn't know it was because of fibroids and I certainly didn't know she was 32 (ugh, 32!!!!) when it happened. I'll be 31 in three months. Cue deafcon five freak out...

So I was left with the decision, does it bother me enough to find a doctor here, knowing that I will only see this person for a month or two at most? Or do I just try and convince myself I am fine, not scared to death and not in pain for the next two months so I can find one doctor when we move and stick with her? Ultimately my reasons were dumb (I will have to forward more records, etc) and after a long talk with my incredibly understanding husband, I called today to make an appointment. They can't get me in until Monday the 8th, which seems like an eternity from where I am standing.

I am also wearing the OvWatch this cycle because peeing on those ovulation sticks makes me a little nuts, and usually on CD11 I am met with the happy "Fertile Day 1" message. Today? Nothing. If anyone is looking for me, I'll be the one muttering to myself and rocking back and forth in the corner.

A Break From the Break

I alluded to this awhile ago, but now it's actually true - we've left the Midwest behind and are firmly (or really, not so firmly) planted in the Carolinas! We actually closed on our condo, packed up a UHaul, and got out of dodge...still seems completely surreal. It was insanely stressful and exhausting. So stressful, actually, that I think it was the cause of my anovulation in July and August. In the end we sold our condo twice and when the sale fell apart the first time and we had to unpack all our things without moving an inch, I...shall we say...lost my shit a little. Both my acupuncturist and my therapist told me separately that they thought we should take a little break until I got my mental state in order, which was essentially a nice way of saying "put down the thermometer and back away very, very slowly." I really wavered about what to do, as taking a break translated to the panic ridden side of my brain as "you are LOSING TIME!" But in the end, it was really a matter of distraction. There were so many logistics to figure out and so much to do, that I packed up all my baby makin' things into one bag and just toted it along with me like a sidekick. So this month will be the first that we've actually timed things and "tried" since July.

I never would have guessed I would be typing these words but, I think the break was a good idea. It gave me a little time to take a breath and think about approaching all of this in a new way. Mainly, the idea of getting pregnant as something that I allow, something that happens through me, and not something I can white knuckle and bully into existence. That has definitely been one of the most painful parts of all this for me - the idea that even if I do A, B & C, it will not necessarily equal D, no matter how hard I try. That's not to say that I won't still have my white knuckle moments (oh how I love to be in control) but admitting all the ways I was actually manipulating my life to try and wield some control over my fertility was eye opening. And that's really just the bitch of all this, isn't it? When you want something so badly you can actually feel an emptiness in your body, you will gladly do anything at all that might give you one more iota of hope.

So anyway, a little breathing room and a change of scenery and we're ready to give it another go. The plan is to try naturally until the end of the year and then we'll begin the process of finding doctors out here and navigating an absolutely painful health insurance plan. Cheers to being back in the game...

Life Rafts

Sometimes I come across a quote or an article that rings so true to me, I cling to it like a life raft. Right now I am reading "The Infertility Cure" by Randine Lewis and in the beginning, there is a passage from the author that brings tears to my eyes. Not tears of sadness, but because there is another person out there who so deeply understands this situation (and that person just happens to be both a doctor and an acupuncturist, who also struggled with infertility). Here it is:

"I can't know the pain you may have experienced in your quest for conception - the disappointment, the frustration, the hope and the hopelessness of each negative pregnancy test. Perhaps you, like me, have felt the heartbreak of conceiving and losing a child. Perhaps, like me, you have given the power over your own body to doctors in the hope that somehow they will make everything better. I don't know why we have been chosen to undertake such a painful journey, why we must go through such struggles to bring our own children into the world. But I do know that when we look into our babies' faces, they will never have to wonder if they were really wanted. Ours are the children who, no matter how they came to us, will look at their parents and know, from the deepest place in their heart, how much we cherish them, and how we labored to give them life. And in that there is no greater security and no greater gift."

I also think I love this so much because it makes it seem like there is a reason behind it, that its not just senseless suffering. Maybe we were destined to have this struggle so that we'll be better mothers, so that our children will grow up knowing that they are cherished every single day. Today, I am grateful for life rafts.