The Bad Days

Thursday, July 15, 2010
They come out of nowhere, I tell you. One minute I am optimistic and even looking forward to the "two week wait." Those happy moments where I allow myself to imagine that this will be the month those pregnancy tests turn positive. And then the day that I am supposed to ovulate arrives, and I wake up all excited to pee on my little stick. I sit there in my pajamas, happily awaiting my smiley face to appear because I usually ovulate on Day 15 like clockwork. But as soon as I am convinced that I usually do something at a certain time, I get a curve ball thrown in my face. No smiley face today, maam. Barely even a line.

And so starts the spiral. What's wrong now? Is this the other shoe dropping? Do I have a blockage in my tubes? Cysts on my ovaries? Did I just ovulate too early and miss the window? Did we not try at the right times this month? Has my entire uterus just up and left? Do I even HAVE ovaries anymore?

I try to practice all the techniques I've learned from the countless books I've read - question my thoughts (is it really true my ovaries have left? probably not), take a deep breath, be present, generally just not freak the f*ck out. I can do those things when I am having a normal day but of course that's not when you need to manage your emotions the most. I "manage" so well that by the time I get out of the shower and my unknowing husband greets me with a simple "good morning" I burst into tears.

It still shocks me what a roller coaster this is. I often think about when we started trying to have a baby, how innocently excited I was about the whole process. I was down right giddy with excitement the very first time we tried because - what if? Days like this I feel like patting that former version of me on the head and saying, "Go get yourself a glass of wine, Pollyanna. It's going to be a long ride."

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Wow, I could have written this. Not seeing that damn smiley just when you think you have it all together stinks. I'm so sorry. There are days when it's just so hard, but somehow we muddle through. Hoping it's just off by a day or two.

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