I've heard it said that when the universe is trying to give you a message it starts in a whisper, then turns into a shout, and eventually beats over the head if you still aren't listening. (I think it was Oprah who said that, who seems like a cheesy person to quote for some reason, but she said it and I like it, so let's roll with it).
The universe has been trying to give me a message about getting my mental health in balance for quite some time now. And when I say mental health I mean things like extreme guilt over situations outside my control, beating myself up for things and berating myself for others (my inability to get pregnant, for example). The messages started with my acupuncturist, then with some books she suggested, then with other books and a few movies that just came into my life, and now with people telling me things at the most inexplicably random times. I won't get into the messages in detail because I feel like this post is "out there" enough as it is, but its very safe to say that the universe is about to bludgeon me to death with one particular message: Tell Yourself The Truth.
It's a hard thing, the truth. It's slippery. Not always easy to define. What is true for one person can absolutely not be true for another. But the point is - I need to start telling myself my truths. Is it really true that I will never have a baby? Probably not. Is it really true that I am somehow broken or damaged? Maybe, but not beyond repair. Can I absolutely know its true that my "good eggs" are drying up by the minute? No. Is it true that if we don't get pregnant this month, I am a failure? No. Is it true that my inability to get pregnant is punishment for something I've done? That I am a bad person? No, it's not.
So instead of filling my head with all of these negative and seemingly untrue thoughts, what if I started to tell myself the truth? What if I stopped making a bad situation worse by being so damn hard on myself? It's a lot easier said that done, that's for sure. And if any of you know of that magic switch where I can turn off all the negative crap that goes through my head, by all means, do tell. But for now, maybe I'll start with a few things I know to be true...
The truth is, infertility is not a punishment.
The truth is, I should cut myself some slack.
The truth is, I am afraid.
The truth is, there are just as many reasons to believe we will get pregnant.
The truth is, I am really sick of taking prenatal vitamins with no "natal."
The truth is, I am tired of all the worrying.
The truth is, sometimes it feels like the wanting will swallow me whole.
The truth is, letting go of my negative thoughts feels like freedom.
The truth is, getting pregnant isn't solely my responsibility.
The truth is, there is no reason to feel so much guilt.
The truth is, I can't force this.
The truth is, there are lessons to be learned in this situation.
The truth is, I can't wait to be someones Mom.
4 comments:
I really liked this post. Sometimes we need to remind ourselves that it ins't our fault, it takes two and yes the lessons we have learned are hard but the end result will be so sweet. You will be a mum one day we just have to never give up.
The truth is you are FAR from being alone.
There are so many of us out here going through the same things you are.
All the doubt, fear, anger, hatred, depression.
Earlier this year I went through about 2 months of depression. The darkest and deepest I've ever been. What got me out of it was the realization that I need to stop throwing temper tantrums and realize this isn't going to happen on my time line. It's OUT OF MY CONTROL.
I also had to get out beating myself up for something I can't control.
What helped me through it was knowing that my stars needed to line up. There was currently no medical reason why it couldn't happen naturally; once I ovulated of course. Nothing stopping me.
There are many people with more things in their way then the technicality of ovulating!
I think the fear of never having a child just got to me. I decided to re-find my faith in the universe and am happy again.
This is such an awesome post. I love your truths. They are raw and honest and true. Let them be your mantra! This whole thing is agonizing and horrible and scary and frustrating and unbearably sad. But you are working hard on yourself and coping and getting through this. I take so much inspiration from this post and hope to follow your lead. xo
Wow, this is truly lovely, and truths I needed to hear myself, so thank you. The truth is difficult but in the long run, makes things much easier.
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