A Break From the Break

I alluded to this awhile ago, but now it's actually true - we've left the Midwest behind and are firmly (or really, not so firmly) planted in the Carolinas! We actually closed on our condo, packed up a UHaul, and got out of dodge...still seems completely surreal. It was insanely stressful and exhausting. So stressful, actually, that I think it was the cause of my anovulation in July and August. In the end we sold our condo twice and when the sale fell apart the first time and we had to unpack all our things without moving an inch, I...shall we say...lost my shit a little. Both my acupuncturist and my therapist told me separately that they thought we should take a little break until I got my mental state in order, which was essentially a nice way of saying "put down the thermometer and back away very, very slowly." I really wavered about what to do, as taking a break translated to the panic ridden side of my brain as "you are LOSING TIME!" But in the end, it was really a matter of distraction. There were so many logistics to figure out and so much to do, that I packed up all my baby makin' things into one bag and just toted it along with me like a sidekick. So this month will be the first that we've actually timed things and "tried" since July.

I never would have guessed I would be typing these words but, I think the break was a good idea. It gave me a little time to take a breath and think about approaching all of this in a new way. Mainly, the idea of getting pregnant as something that I allow, something that happens through me, and not something I can white knuckle and bully into existence. That has definitely been one of the most painful parts of all this for me - the idea that even if I do A, B & C, it will not necessarily equal D, no matter how hard I try. That's not to say that I won't still have my white knuckle moments (oh how I love to be in control) but admitting all the ways I was actually manipulating my life to try and wield some control over my fertility was eye opening. And that's really just the bitch of all this, isn't it? When you want something so badly you can actually feel an emptiness in your body, you will gladly do anything at all that might give you one more iota of hope.

So anyway, a little breathing room and a change of scenery and we're ready to give it another go. The plan is to try naturally until the end of the year and then we'll begin the process of finding doctors out here and navigating an absolutely painful health insurance plan. Cheers to being back in the game...